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This can be one of the most emotionally rewarding chapters of our life if we'll only allow ourselves to stop being afraid. Drug addiction is all about rather amazing brain reward pathways that somehow make dopamine memories vastly more vivid, important and salient than any others, including who we once were. You are buried beneath them and we're here to help dig you out!

It's very normal to be afraid of both failure and success and to feel a bit lost right now. But try hard to shed those fears as coming home after being away so long can and should be one of the most wonderful journeys you've ever made. Just one rule ... no nicotine today!

We're with you in spirit! Breathe deep, hug hard, live long!

John (Gold x7)

Robin, the concept of "quitting" and the natural sense of self deprivation that seems to come with "quitting" is so deeply ingrained in our minds that to "quit saying quit" or stop thinking it would, in itself, be a most amazing feat. My only hope is that a bit of honest reflection on exactly "when" the real quitting took place, and mixing things up a bit, might possibly tend to diminish or weaken the psychological baggage that naturally flows from ending use of a chemical that produced a powerful dopamine "aaahhh" sensation within 8 to 10 seconds of that first puff.

But even there, when assigning value to "quitting" and the "aaahhhs," we tended to be less than honest in discarding the negative sensation that often immediately proceeded an "aaahhh". It's normal to dwell on the positive while suppressing negatives. But for every chemical high there was a corresponding low of varying depth. If we waiting too long between nicotine fixes our nicotine reserves could could fall to the point of feeling depressed when in situations that wouldn't allow us to smoke, or tremendous anxiety if we ran out, misplaced our nicotine delivery device or encountered a stressful acid generating event that neutralized reserves of the alkaloid nicotine (WHERE ARE MY SMOKES, I NEED A CIGARETTE NOW!!!)

Here I hope to get us to reflect upon those first days, when use of an external chemical to steal our own neuro-chemcials caused us to quickly bury almost all memory of the "real us" beneath a pile of powerful "aaahhh" memories.

Food, water, reproduction, accomplishment, the brain's dopamine pathways functioned as designed to make all "aaahhh" memories the most important or salient of all, as doing so ensured our survival. What the design didn't plan on was that some external chemical would, by chance, fit dopamine pathway locks (neuron receptors) and pump out an endless stream of unearned dopamine and that the resulting salient memories would take our mind and memory hostage.

Recovery is about investing in again allowing the brain to function as close to design as possible. It's about giving the brain time to reduce or down-regulate the millions of extra nicotinic type acetylcholine receptors activated in what appears to have been the brain's attempt to diminish nicotine's impact on dopamine output (desensitization). It's about developing the patience to allow ourselves to again taste what it's like to allow life to control our brain's neuro-chemical flow.

Whether we see this as quitting or recovering I hope that an enhanced understanding of this journey home helps diminish needless fears of both failure and success, and allows you greater awareness of the gradually unfolding beauty that is "you!" In 30 years I never knew that flour wasn't just white but has its own wonderfully subtle smell.

Yes, coming home can be an oh so special time of self discovery but even here, whether we allow it to be or not, all levels of the mind and body will continue healing so long as we adhere to just one concept ... no nicotine today, Never Take Another Puff, Dip or Chew!

John (Gold x7)

Loss or Gain -
standing dread on its head

Are you quitting or recovering? Do you feel loss or gain. I do hope your reading here brings you to the realization that the real "quitting" took place on the day that our reason for starting to smoke became irrelevant - the day we lost the freedom and autonomy to simply turn and walk away.

For many it happened far quicker than then appreciated. Our brain's defenses attempted to desensitized the mind to one of earth's most potent toxins that by happenstance so closely resembled the body's acetylcholine molecule that it fit a host of neuro-chemical locks (receptors). Pumping out vastly more dopamine than normal, the brain grew or activated millions of extra nicotinic type acetylcholine receptors in at least eleven different brain regions.

But, now any attempt to stop using nicotine would temporarily leave us with far more acetylcholine receptors than needed. We would briefly find ourselves de-sensitized to the flow dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin. Upon beginning to sense and notice this numbed and de-sensitized state, wouldn't it be normal and logical to believe that we were leaving a big big part of us behind? Wouldn't it be natural to believe that nicotine defined who we were, that without it we would not be us?

Depressed and reward-less anxiety, an explosion of tension sparked anger following the shortest fuse we may have ever known, is this recovery? When happening inside our own mind, how could this not be seen as "quitting"?

Understanding the recovery process and removing self-induced anxieties associated with needless fright about leaving "us" behind can make the mind's period of neuronal re-sensitization vastly less challenging. Throw in an appreciation of the importance of maintaining stable blood sugar by not skipping meals -- in learning to again feed ourselves now that nicotine is no longer our spoon -- and you might see transition as "recovery" even as it happens.

But recovery isn't just developing the patience to allow time for receptor counts to return to normal. It's about reclaiming numerous aspects of a life once drenched in nicotine, about picking up the pieces. It's about rediscovering the fact that everything we once did while high on nicotine (our dopamine/adrenaline intoxication) can be done just as well or better without nicotine.

Our dependency feeding patterns conditioned our subconscious mind to expect nicotine at specific times or places, during certain events or activities, when with particular people or when encountering certain emotions. Some of us had more aspects of life consumed by our addiction than others but all making this journey home share a common thread, we're taking back our life.

We can dread or even avoid encountering our nicotine triggers. We know that each is capable of generating a mini anxiety panic attack lasting less than three minutes but, due to time distortion, feeling vastly longer (be sure and look at a clock). But following each crave episode we are rewarded with the return of another aspect of life.

There may be subtle distinctions between similar triggers that are nearly impossible to discern but the subconscious mind does not argue or debate. If it does not receive the expected result - nicotine - it quickly moves on. Our reward is that now another person, place, thing, time or emotion has been reclaimed.

Whether easy, hard or somewhere in-between, in order to keep the recovery process moving forward requires following just one guiding principle, no nicotine today, Never Take Another Puff, Dip or Chew!

Breathe deep, hug hard, live long,

John (Gold x7)

Yes, Joe, "evil" normally tends to imply personification but as Dr. Hienz Ginzel, MD, who spent much of his life studying nicotine, recently wrote reminding me, nicotine is one of the most deadly toxins on earth - ranked in pharmacology books as a super toxin (he actually faxed me a page from his book). As a noun "evil" is also defined as "something that is a cause or source of suffering, injury, or destruction." John